Praise to Hathor!

Praise to Hathor!

Friday, 24 March 2017

Not bad for 2 weeks work!

In the space of a couple of weeks my whole life has changed, or is making the preparations of change. Following on from my Path-Finder Rhiannon weekend I asked myself what do I really want? What do I want to do, and what next?

The idea to once again try to reapply to University and undergo the MA degree I wanted all along, Archaeology, crept up again. In a whirlwind daze I applied thinking it was a two-year MA like many others. I was so excited and nervous and frightened. I gave in my notice and committed to moving back to Wales to save up the money before we moved to Bath in August.

And then I double checked the website and saw it was in fact three years. That's an additional £3600. That made the reality of the matter quite different from my excited hopes, for it meant I could not afford to move in with my Beloved and cover all of the fees. Last weekend we spent together, with me crying often and stressing over such big decisions. Do I go do this course and forego the house, or do I keep the house and forego the course?

Together we decided that I mustn't let a relationship that is strong enough to withstand distance keep me from pursuing my goals. And so we contacted the agent and entered the messy process of trying to find replacement tenants and preparing to pay up a hefty fee in punishment for cancelling our contract. It was horrible. I was (and am) heartbroken to do this, as we were really excited to move in and I hadn't expected this to be the consequence of choosing to study again.

But another interesting twist then occurred. My Beloved then confessed that he wanted to transfer Universitys himself, but didn't feel able to with the house already signed for. He has now applied for the course he really wanted, albeit a 5 hour journey from me rather than the 2 hours we were currently experiencing.

And then I saw Goddess's web. I am not very happy that things have not turned out as I had planned. I'm quite upset actually. But, despite my decision being the initial move, this is not about me. It's about him. He is now able to say what he truly wants for himself and to move in that direction. If we rearrange the timeline it would look more like, him telling me that he wanted to change Universitys, that we needed to give up the house, and as a response I then chose to return to University myself. That is what has actually be able to happen - I think it matters not who initiated the process, for I believe it was for his freedom to choose, as well as an opportunity for Goddess to move my life also.

So the next steps: I am returning to live in Cymru for the foreseeable future. I will (interview and offer pending) be studying a part time MA in Archaeology, alongside working and wicca-crafting! And my Beloved will (hopefully, again!) be living in Cornwall enjoying the course he really wanted.

Not bad for two weeks work!

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Around the Wheel Again... Path Finder

Here we go again... During my Spiral One training it wasn't until after the third weekend, the Maiden-Brigit weekend, that I finally understood what was going on with my learning journey. Once again after my third weekend (this time Wild Maiden-Rhiannon) and leading to the fourth, it has dawned on me. Is it something about this archetype and energy?

It would make sense if it was, for this Path Finder archetype of Spring is where I am in my life right now. This appears to be the energy that awakens my consciousness, where in the winter I seem to be asleep.

Today I met my inner angsty teenager again. I've been feeling all sorts - anger, frustration, fear, hopelessness, defensiveness, disapointed... and ashamed, guilty and unable to talk to Goddess about how I'm feeling. Yesterday I realised that shame and guilt arose from the fact that I recognised a very stroppy, angsty teenager rising inside. Who would want to admit that they were behaving like a angry brat? So instead I was hard done by and mistreated... Well I maintain, that things have not be dealt with well, and that I am genuinely frustrated and cross. But my response to the situation was not as a dignified adult, standing up for herself but getting on with what needed to be done. No instead I have sulked, moaned, and cried!

I haven't got my own way. I've been told off unfairly. I have to do something I don't want to do. And the teenage me is causing a whirlwind about her to make that all very clear to everyone! What am I gaining? Pity? Understanding? Allies? Support? Actually, I feel quite the fool now. I feel quite immature and weak, unable to rise to the challenge. It's quite embarrasing really.

And that's ok! Amidst the stung pride, I can actually grin - and finally I see Goddess grinning back, mischieviously! I see Your game! This was all a part of the plan, a part of my journey and development. The typical rite of passage where the young girl stamps her feet and shouts 'I'm a grown up!' only to be thrust into the adult world and find herself desperate to run back to mother's arms and nestle beside her again. Have I met the wisewoman-initiatrix? Have I gotton lost in the woods, bitten the apple and fallen intoxicated? What will I find when I awaken?

Around the Wheel Again and the Path Finder - Goddess of Fire, rises up again to offer me courage, strength, excitement and the road ahead.