I have always been attracted to dark clothing and styles, to the moon and the night sky; to witchcraft and anything out of the ordinary; however, within my spirituality I have always walked on the lighter side, preferring the company of Earthy Mother Goddesses, as opposed to the sexy thanatos I feel towards the Dark Goddesses. They've always been alluring to me, but I was a person of positivity, summer, happiness and life-affirmation. What on earth would I be doing in ceremony with a Goddess of death and war?
However, despite this, when I am chosen in ceremony to call upon the Dark Goddess, my body tingles with power and exhilaration as I delve into the seductive beauty of spider webs, the cave-gig-vulva, Medusa's crown of serpents, the howl of the wolf against a blood red moon and the black soil upon the hands of the witch before the burial mound... I feel this rush when I call upon the pounding sexuality of the Red Goddess also, and to my core I know that they are One.
I did some research on the Morrigan when She appeared to me. I didn't want to ignore Her call, but I was very intimidated by it. I'd heard lots of people describe how the Morrigan had entered their life at a time of painful change; I feared that by connecting to Her, She would somehow.... ruin everything... give me harsh lessons, tough love, change, heartbreak. So after a nightmare-dream of Her and some basic reading, I left it there, not going further unless clearly called to.
This month She has flown back into my consciousness again and I feel wary. I have started messaging people, as before, for advice and their own stories. It's as if I need confirmation from others on how to proceed, and if I should.
From my further reading I have found out that She is much more interesting than I first thought. There are undeniable aspects of Her nature, Her association with warfare, terror, death, blood, ravens... But there is also sexuality, magic, the willingness to help, protectiveness, and a definite link to sovereignty, cattle and the land. I asked myself, if we acknowledged Her war aspect but did not elevate it to the status we that currently do, would She not appear as an all-round powerful Faery Queen, Goddess of the Land, Sovereignty, Sexuality and magic - as well as the battlefield?
Antony Galbraith: https://fineartamerica.com/featured/the-morrigan-antony-galbraith.html
In fact, looking at these qualities, I see Goddesses such as Freyja ruling over exactly those things too! We are not so afraid of Freyja because we have emphasised Her sexuality over Her battle prowess. Her role in warfare with Her Valkyries, are is seen as badass woman-power, fighting for Her people. And yet the Morrigan... Her battle connection has been emphasised above Her other aspects, and so today She appears far more sinister than a Goddess like Freyja.
I don't think I am alone in seeing Her in this way and feeling more than intimidated. If I dared to face Her, to connect and see Her within myself what would I feel and see?
I'd be fierce and strong and brave. I'd be confident and unashamed of my sexuality, a vixen, wild. I'd train my body to be strong and fit, able to defend myself, or to easily climb mountains. I would not stand by idly at injustice and hatred in the world, I would stand for what I believed in. I'd weave magic, with skill, wisdom and confidence in my own power. I'd wear nothing one day, flowers the next and naught but crow feathers the rest of the time and not apologise for my shapeshifting abilities. I'd allow myself to be imperfect, rough around the edges, angry, ecstatic, proud, strong as well as vulnerable.
This doesn't sound bad at all! So why am I so afraid of Her, to dare to be this, to be Her?
And then the penny drops, to the core of my inner child self. I don't believe I am those things.
How can I claim to connect to the Morrigan when I am so small? I'm not badass or fierce, I'm weak and gentle. Some days I'm colourful and girly, and I love Disney and Mermaids and beautiful things. I'm often very shy and passive in my intimacy. I am afraid of change and constantly self-doubting my abilities and decisions.
Do I seriously think I'm not cool enough for Morrigan? Not worthy, not badass enough, not strong enough?
When I looked upon Laura Daligan's painting of Morrigan during the Goddess conference this year - when I had decided I would learn to unleash the wildness within - I saw a reflection of myself. I saw the Wild Maiden within, who I had not allowed to show on the outside. Perhaps Morrigan is calling me to be that person that I don't believe I am? To show me I can be that person, if I dare.
Of course the ancient Priestess within me proclaims: I don't have to be angry, gothic, moody and aggressive to empower my inner Morrigan! This would play into the patriarchal rules of who we can be - fitting into a single box, being consistent and unchanging. Like Freyja, Morrigan can kiss as well as bite... Like my beloved Aphrodite reveals, passionate love and possession of beauty can be an instigator of war, as much as joy on earth!
In fact I do recall when Aphrodite first called to me. I felt the same. I'm nothing like Her... So shy, plain looking and modestly covered... I seem to be drawn to Goddesses that I feel are unlike me, but are truly who I am/long to be beneath the surface.
To fully understand Goddess we must unravel the threads, see the whole web, peer beneath the mossy stones. We have to free Her from the limitations and restrictions that patriarchy has thrust upon Her. She is so beyond names and labels.
The Morrigan, by Laura Daligan: http://www.lauradaligan-art.com/
The above doesn't necessarily mean I am being called to dedicate to Morrigan in particular, but that at this time She is beckoning to help me unleash a power within.
It seems a very unusual place to be, stood in between Aphrodite and Morrigan. But then again, as I've always known, the Red Goddess is She of the blood of birth and death. Before Aphrodite was named so in Cyprus, She was known as Ishtar in the East, and the carrion of the battlefields know each other well by name.