Praise to Hathor!

Praise to Hathor!

Friday, 18 August 2017

Morrigan I fear You

This time last year the Morrigan began creeping into my consciousness. I remember taking a few photos of myself cloaked in black feathers and really feeling empowered by Her dark wings; I wore these wings to my dedication as a Sister of Avalon as an expression of my strength, and I guess, in rebellion against the sweet image I perceived others had of me.

I have always been attracted to dark clothing and styles, to the moon and the night sky; to witchcraft and anything out of the ordinary; however, within my spirituality I have always walked on the lighter side, preferring the company of Earthy Mother Goddesses, as opposed to the sexy thanatos I feel towards the Dark Goddesses. They've always been alluring to me, but I was a person of positivity, summer, happiness and life-affirmation. What on earth would I be doing in ceremony with a Goddess of death and war?

However, despite this, when I am chosen in ceremony to call upon the Dark Goddess, my body tingles with power and exhilaration as I delve into the seductive beauty of spider webs, the cave-gig-vulva, Medusa's crown of serpents, the howl of the wolf against a blood red moon and the black soil upon the hands of the witch before the burial mound... I feel this rush when I call upon the pounding sexuality of the Red Goddess also, and to my core I know that they are One.


I did some research on the Morrigan when She appeared to me. I didn't want to ignore Her call, but I was very intimidated by it. I'd heard lots of people describe how the Morrigan had entered their life at a time of painful change; I feared that by connecting to Her, She would somehow.... ruin everything... give me harsh lessons, tough love, change, heartbreak. So after a nightmare-dream of Her and some basic reading, I left it there, not going further unless clearly called to.

This month She has flown back into my consciousness again and I feel wary. I have started messaging people, as before, for advice and their own stories. It's as if I need confirmation from others on how to proceed, and if I should.

From my further reading I have found out that She is much more interesting than I first thought. There are undeniable aspects of Her nature, Her association with warfare, terror, death, blood, ravens... But there is also sexuality, magic, the willingness to help, protectiveness, and a definite link to sovereignty, cattle and the land. I asked myself, if we acknowledged Her war aspect but did not elevate it to the status we that currently do, would She not appear as an all-round powerful Faery Queen, Goddess of the Land, Sovereignty, Sexuality and magic - as well as the battlefield?

In fact, looking at these qualities, I see Goddesses such as Freyja ruling over exactly those things too! We are not so afraid of Freyja because we have emphasised Her sexuality over Her battle prowess. Her role in warfare with Her Valkyries, are is seen as badass woman-power, fighting for Her people. And yet the Morrigan... Her battle connection has been emphasised above Her other aspects, and so today She appears far more sinister than a Goddess like Freyja.

I don't think I am alone in seeing Her in this way and feeling more than intimidated. If I dared to face Her, to connect and see Her within myself what would I feel and see?

I'd be fierce and strong and brave. I'd be confident and unashamed of my sexuality, a vixen, wild. I'd train my body to be strong and fit, able to defend myself, or to easily climb mountains. I would not stand by idly at injustice and hatred in the world, I would stand for what I believed in. I'd weave magic, with skill, wisdom and confidence in my own power. I'd wear nothing one day, flowers the next and naught but crow feathers the rest of the time and not apologise for my shapeshifting abilities. I'd allow myself to be imperfect, rough around the edges, angry, ecstatic, proud, strong as well as vulnerable.

This doesn't sound bad at all! So why am I so afraid of Her, to dare to be this, to be Her?

And then the penny drops, to the core of my inner child self. I don't believe I am those things.
How can I claim to connect to the Morrigan when I am so small? I'm not badass or fierce, I'm weak and gentle. Some days I'm colourful and girly, and I love Disney and Mermaids and beautiful things. I'm often very shy and passive in my intimacy. I am afraid of change and constantly self-doubting my abilities and decisions.

Do I seriously think I'm not cool enough for Morrigan? Not worthy, not badass enough, not strong enough?

When I looked upon Laura Daligan's painting of Morrigan during the Goddess conference this year - when I had decided I would learn to unleash the wildness within - I saw a reflection of myself. I saw the Wild Maiden within, who I had not allowed to show on the outside. Perhaps Morrigan is calling me to be that person that I don't believe I am? To show me I can be that person, if I dare.

Of course the ancient Priestess within me proclaims: I don't have to be angry, gothic, moody and aggressive to empower my inner Morrigan! This would play into the patriarchal rules of who we can be - fitting into a single box, being consistent and unchanging. Like Freyja, Morrigan can kiss as well as bite... Like my beloved Aphrodite reveals, passionate love and possession of beauty can be an instigator of war, as much as joy on earth!

In fact I do recall when Aphrodite first called to me. I felt the same. I'm nothing like Her... So shy, plain looking and modestly covered... I seem to be drawn to Goddesses that I feel are unlike me, but are truly who I am/long to be beneath the surface.

To fully understand Goddess we must unravel the threads, see the whole web, peer beneath the mossy stones. We have to free Her from the limitations and restrictions that patriarchy has thrust upon Her. She is so beyond names and labels.

The Morrigan, by Laura Daligan:


The above doesn't necessarily mean I am being called to dedicate to Morrigan in particular, but that at this time She is beckoning to help me unleash a power within.

It seems a very unusual place to be, stood in between Aphrodite and Morrigan. But then again, as I've always known, the Red Goddess is She of the blood of birth and death. Before Aphrodite was named so in Cyprus, She was known as Ishtar in the East, and the carrion of the battlefields know each other well by name.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Freedom and the Wild Maiden

Over the last couple of weeks I have begun Demi's 'Be More Mermaid' course and partially attended the Glastonbury Goddess Conference. I have found a common theme appearing during this time: Freedom & Wildness.

In week 1 of the course I identified that I am most drawn to the freedom, wildness and potential for exploration that Mermaids represent. During week 2 the course presented the idea of listening to my Mermaid voice, and embodying the Mermaid archetype in my life. 
In this second week I was in Glastonbury for the conference and spent a lot of time looking at artwork and was particularly taken by two images - Laura Daligan's Morrigan, and Suzi Elen Goose's latest Cerh image.

As The Morrigan

In participating in the morning ceremony of the art exhibition filled me with the primitive wildness of my ancient soul. My heartbeat echoed the drums, the songs carried me away to the mountains and forests... As I looked upon these images I felt a tug, a yearning to have my feet planted on the earth, soil and pigments on my skin, legs running, body dancing, voice howling...

The freedom and wildness that I was attracted to with the Mermaids was also what came up for me in gazing at these images. I carried these thoughts with me throughout the conference and when the Embodiment that I visited asked me what it was I wanted, I said Freedom.

Thinking about how I would live life differently if I acknowledged my Mermaid heart, that is my wild and free self, I highlighted the way I want to be:

- Eyes of awe for the world.
- Pleasure in self beauty.
- Affectionate love to those I care for.
- More spontaneous fun!
- Embrace my natural beauty as well as how I adorn myself.
- Enjoy and not be guilty of lazy relaxation.

Listening to my Mermaid voice, I heard Her say:

"I am so much more than the restrained, well behaved and anxious girl I hide behind. I have strength, knowledge, drive and power. There is magic in the world waiting for me to find it - to return home to. I have tethered myself down for so long, and I could just decide to set her free... Life is not a problem to be solved or a series of tasks. Life is BEING and FEELING.

I am yet to do the anointing and full moon ritual, and need to catch up on meditations. But I feel this is a strong lesson that I have known for some time, but not ben able to integrate. I guess the most important realisation is that all this is really there for the taking. I just need to wake up one day and dare."

All linked into this is the reintegration of my embodiment of the Wild Maiden. I have written before in this blog about how during Spiral One of the Avalon Training I realised that there is power within the Maiden. By the end of the training I decided to accept that Maiden/Pathfinder Goddess within me.

But now I understand it more fully. This first year of the Rhiannon training I still attempted to move into the Lover archetype, away from the young Maiden. But I can't yet, and I mustn't try. I need to embrace this stage in my life, as I am now. I've learnt that not only do I disempower myself by rejecting the Maiden. The weak, small, ignorant, chaste version of the Maiden I have been wanting to avoid is a result of the patriarchal disempowerment of Her. By continuing to see Her in that way I perpetuate this disempowerment. Just as Patriarchy disempowered the Wisewoman, to the status of a decrepit old hag, the Maiden has been boxed into the picture of na├»ve innocence. Well, they didn't want a roaring Shield Maiden coming after them now did they?

The Wild Maiden is She who is young, free, in awe of life, explorative, independent, energetic... She does not need to be a non-sexual 'virgin', or ignorant, as She possesses wisdom that is often lost with age, and can enjoy sexuality in an explorative way.

The Wild Maiden is thus,

Huntress. Shield Maiden. Moon Goddess. Warrioress. Daughter. Faery. Snake-Dancer. Mermaid. Wolf. Horse. Lioness.
Artemis. Diana. Freyja. Sekhmet. Rhiannon. Blodeuwedd. Aphrodite. Ishtar. Morrigan. Athena. Epona...

And more.


Friday, 24 March 2017

Not bad for 2 weeks work!

In the space of a couple of weeks my whole life has changed, or is making the preparations of change. Following on from my Path-Finder Rhiannon weekend I asked myself what do I really want? What do I want to do, and what next?

The idea to once again try to reapply to University and undergo the MA degree I wanted all along, Archaeology, crept up again. In a whirlwind daze I applied thinking it was a two-year MA like many others. I was so excited and nervous and frightened. I gave in my notice and committed to moving back to Wales to save up the money before we moved to Bath in August.

And then I double checked the website and saw it was in fact three years. That's an additional £3600. That made the reality of the matter quite different from my excited hopes, for it meant I could not afford to move in with my Beloved and cover all of the fees. Last weekend we spent together, with me crying often and stressing over such big decisions. Do I go do this course and forego the house, or do I keep the house and forego the course?

Together we decided that I mustn't let a relationship that is strong enough to withstand distance keep me from pursuing my goals. And so we contacted the agent and entered the messy process of trying to find replacement tenants and preparing to pay up a hefty fee in punishment for cancelling our contract. It was horrible. I was (and am) heartbroken to do this, as we were really excited to move in and I hadn't expected this to be the consequence of choosing to study again.

But another interesting twist then occurred. My Beloved then confessed that he wanted to transfer Universitys himself, but didn't feel able to with the house already signed for. He has now applied for the course he really wanted, albeit a 5 hour journey from me rather than the 2 hours we were currently experiencing.

And then I saw Goddess's web. I am not very happy that things have not turned out as I had planned. I'm quite upset actually. But, despite my decision being the initial move, this is not about me. It's about him. He is now able to say what he truly wants for himself and to move in that direction. If we rearrange the timeline it would look more like, him telling me that he wanted to change Universitys, that we needed to give up the house, and as a response I then chose to return to University myself. That is what has actually be able to happen - I think it matters not who initiated the process, for I believe it was for his freedom to choose, as well as an opportunity for Goddess to move my life also.

So the next steps: I am returning to live in Cymru for the foreseeable future. I will (interview and offer pending) be studying a part time MA in Archaeology, alongside working and wicca-crafting! And my Beloved will (hopefully, again!) be living in Cornwall enjoying the course he really wanted.

Not bad for two weeks work!

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Around the Wheel Again... Path Finder

Here we go again... During my Spiral One training it wasn't until after the third weekend, the Maiden-Brigit weekend, that I finally understood what was going on with my learning journey. Once again after my third weekend (this time Wild Maiden-Rhiannon) and leading to the fourth, it has dawned on me. Is it something about this archetype and energy?

It would make sense if it was, for this Path Finder archetype of Spring is where I am in my life right now. This appears to be the energy that awakens my consciousness, where in the winter I seem to be asleep.

Today I met my inner angsty teenager again. I've been feeling all sorts - anger, frustration, fear, hopelessness, defensiveness, disapointed... and ashamed, guilty and unable to talk to Goddess about how I'm feeling. Yesterday I realised that shame and guilt arose from the fact that I recognised a very stroppy, angsty teenager rising inside. Who would want to admit that they were behaving like a angry brat? So instead I was hard done by and mistreated... Well I maintain, that things have not be dealt with well, and that I am genuinely frustrated and cross. But my response to the situation was not as a dignified adult, standing up for herself but getting on with what needed to be done. No instead I have sulked, moaned, and cried!

I haven't got my own way. I've been told off unfairly. I have to do something I don't want to do. And the teenage me is causing a whirlwind about her to make that all very clear to everyone! What am I gaining? Pity? Understanding? Allies? Support? Actually, I feel quite the fool now. I feel quite immature and weak, unable to rise to the challenge. It's quite embarrasing really.

And that's ok! Amidst the stung pride, I can actually grin - and finally I see Goddess grinning back, mischieviously! I see Your game! This was all a part of the plan, a part of my journey and development. The typical rite of passage where the young girl stamps her feet and shouts 'I'm a grown up!' only to be thrust into the adult world and find herself desperate to run back to mother's arms and nestle beside her again. Have I met the wisewoman-initiatrix? Have I gotton lost in the woods, bitten the apple and fallen intoxicated? What will I find when I awaken?

Around the Wheel Again and the Path Finder - Goddess of Fire, rises up again to offer me courage, strength, excitement and the road ahead.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Glastonbury: What I've learned so far

The Tor at Sunset 20/12/16 Photo by myself

When I decided to move here – very suddenly – I had a burning longing in my solar plexus. I know that when this inner flame ignites, I am on the right path. I felt this burning when I considered moving earlier in the year, but allowed my fear to extinguish it.
I knew I was stepping upon the barge and sailing across the lake to Avalon, to train as a Priestess here. I also knew it would not be perfect and I’d come across difficulties.
Although I did anticipate what I would find difficult here, I didn’t fully expect the whirlwind of feelings I have had in these last 3 months. Being here has dug up many latent insecurities, resentments, complexes and fears. Over the last year during my First Spiral I explored some of these but moving here has intensified that.

First I became angry at the system here. I became angry because I could see it flaws (which I had been aware of before, but saw much more clearly now). I disliked that I saw these flaws in something that had given me so much hope and joy before.
I confirmed things that I did not necessarily agree with spiritually, which made me frustrated as I seemed to have wanted to agree with everything and fully fit in.
I met others who disagreed, criticised and even disapproved of the Goddess community here – which made me defensive; however, because of the above it made me defend myself as apart from it, rather than defend it.

I faced fear of not being good enough, of not doing my job perfectly and failing.
I faced a fear of being associated with something imperfect and subject to criticism; I don’t like to be disliked and criticised.
I faced a need to rebel, to be angry and even arrogant in my defiance.
I faced wanted to run away – unable to make things fit my way, and unwilling to try to overcome my resistances and find a way that worked for me. I missed home terribly.

An unfortunate part of my Capricorn nature is I am stubborn. I decided I didn’t like it, I wanted to leave, I wouldn’t like it and that was that! I didn’t want to try to like it or to be happy, or to even explore what was really going on with me. Which is why I needed to go home for a bit, do nothing but breathe Welsh mountain air, crochet, make love and watch movies.


I went home for the Yuletide period, taking a breather from things. My heart beat for the mountains, my families, the mists, the rain… I remembered why I moved and realised it was not a mistake, even if it isn’t the perfect answer.

I need to learn that I can’t have, and don’t need to have, the perfect life set up right now. I have wanted the ideal job, partner, house and lifestyle and have been working towards that, being constantly dissatisfied that it isn’t perfect yet.

Just before I left for home I picked up a book on the Goddess Hathor. Whilst reading it I was touched by the beautiful feeling of familiarity, of self, of home. It reminded me that I can find home within myself, and for me, part of that is Egypt within me… I remembered that Egypt is my true Love in life (I love you too Dan!) and I hold that within me. It then cheered me further to find a group of other individuals in Glastonbury who want to form an Egyptian Spirituality group in town! So my inner home, can creep out into the physical too!

Nevertheless, I have decided to move in with my partner this summer, whilst keeping my job in Glastonbury. This I hope will bring me into balance, and have enough of what I want mixed with the imperfection of life.

My need to gain approval from others still reigns strong; last night I began to fear this failure but as I felt the downward spiral of exhausted disappointment, I grabbed hold of it and channelled it into productivity. My need for approval is manifesting a drive to do well at my job – which can’t be a bad thing if I can balance it with self-esteem and not rely on positive affirmations from others.

I also need to learn that I do not have to agree with everything that the people around me believe (that should be obvious…); I am a part of something that never intended to be static and dogmatic, I am just interpreting it that way.

Something I affirmed over the summer was that Goddess was calling me to surrender to Her plan. And I did. Until I got here, then I panicked and wanted out. Ahead of me this 2017 I have plans to visit Egypt (at last!!), I continue my Rhiannon training, I move in with Daniel, I am planning for my future PhD and who knows what else will unfold.

It may be clear that my inner Goddess radio has often been muted during this time. I haven’t been connecting much or asking Her for help. This I’ve been very inside my head and locked in the mundane world. If I look towards my Rhiannon training I will see that I in fact need to be in my body and in the spiritual world more. Balance is everything.

 Goddess Hall Winter Solstice Altar 2016, Photo by myself

It’s worth saying after all that, for you as well as for me, that this is actually a remarkable place. I’ve met some wonderful people, seen stunning views, received much kindness and had some brilliant experiences. It’s a place I don’t intend to settle in for now, but I definitely intend to allow myself to enjoy living here for the next 7 months, and working here for longer.

For now this is where I am it.