I am facing so much resistance being here. My usual calm and passive temperament is challenged by rising anger over spiritual issues. I suppose my spirituality is so important to me that I feel it is somehow threatened and so I feel angry about it. Really I am letting other people affect my own path, with their opinions or values, when my spirituality ought to be untouchable to all be me.
My flight response is high, longing for a greener grass. It's hard to tell if I'm just in a difficult emotional place that I need to push through, or if this is a truth within me.
I'm going to lay it on the table here:
I feel lonely and vulnerable - my family and close friends aren't here with me.
I don't like organised religion or hierarchy.
I don't like how the Pagan community is rather hostile against one another here.
I'm not working in heritage or an area I'm passionate about.
The religion I'm surrounded by doesn't fully align with my own - it shouldn't have to but it is bothering me.
So I'm going through the typical story of being someone who has a great job, a safe warm home, interesting things to do, people who care about me around me... and I'm not happy. I can only conclude that I am missing something that makes me happy. I thought that spirituality was that thing, which is why this seemed like a perfect idea; however, this isn't my spirituality. I have to hide things I believe, aspects are taboo, parts conflict with other groups ect... Previously my spirituality was freedom; now it doesn't feel that way.
I don't think coming here was the wrong choice. I has got me moving, exploring, gaining experiences. But I was never drawn to the Lady of Avalon in particular; this was never home. I think she lead me here to discover what I actually wanted, and what I did not want. It's been a valuable two months!
Over the last weekend I asked myself what I actually wanted. I had decided that I wanted to come here because I couldn't live with Dan as he was off to university. I wanted to explore my spirituality deeper, so here was a good place to try to do that. I wanted to move away from the past, to somewhere new. But then I dream of what I actually want my life to be and it looks rather different... If I close my eyes I am by the sea. I have a job in heritage, a home with my Beloved and evenings around a fire with friends.
So I'm a tuning my logical brain down for a moment, muting what is sensible and the shoulds, needs to's and have to's. What do I want in this moment, from my heart? And without the sound of my mind telling me what I wanted wasn't acceptable, my heart filled with hope. I felt right in my decision. Now I just have to have patience...