Praise to Hathor!

Praise to Hathor!

Friday, 24 March 2017

Not bad for 2 weeks work!

In the space of a couple of weeks my whole life has changed, or is making the preparations of change. Following on from my Path-Finder Rhiannon weekend I asked myself what do I really want? What do I want to do, and what next?

The idea to once again try to reapply to University and undergo the MA degree I wanted all along, Archaeology, crept up again. In a whirlwind daze I applied thinking it was a two-year MA like many others. I was so excited and nervous and frightened. I gave in my notice and committed to moving back to Wales to save up the money before we moved to Bath in August.

And then I double checked the website and saw it was in fact three years. That's an additional £3600. That made the reality of the matter quite different from my excited hopes, for it meant I could not afford to move in with my Beloved and cover all of the fees. Last weekend we spent together, with me crying often and stressing over such big decisions. Do I go do this course and forego the house, or do I keep the house and forego the course?

Together we decided that I mustn't let a relationship that is strong enough to withstand distance keep me from pursuing my goals. And so we contacted the agent and entered the messy process of trying to find replacement tenants and preparing to pay up a hefty fee in punishment for cancelling our contract. It was horrible. I was (and am) heartbroken to do this, as we were really excited to move in and I hadn't expected this to be the consequence of choosing to study again.

But another interesting twist then occurred. My Beloved then confessed that he wanted to transfer Universitys himself, but didn't feel able to with the house already signed for. He has now applied for the course he really wanted, albeit a 5 hour journey from me rather than the 2 hours we were currently experiencing.

And then I saw Goddess's web. I am not very happy that things have not turned out as I had planned. I'm quite upset actually. But, despite my decision being the initial move, this is not about me. It's about him. He is now able to say what he truly wants for himself and to move in that direction. If we rearrange the timeline it would look more like, him telling me that he wanted to change Universitys, that we needed to give up the house, and as a response I then chose to return to University myself. That is what has actually be able to happen - I think it matters not who initiated the process, for I believe it was for his freedom to choose, as well as an opportunity for Goddess to move my life also.

So the next steps: I am returning to live in Cymru for the foreseeable future. I will (interview and offer pending) be studying a part time MA in Archaeology, alongside working and wicca-crafting! And my Beloved will (hopefully, again!) be living in Cornwall enjoying the course he really wanted.

Not bad for two weeks work!

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Around the Wheel Again... Path Finder

Here we go again... During my Spiral One training it wasn't until after the third weekend, the Maiden-Brigit weekend, that I finally understood what was going on with my learning journey. Once again after my third weekend (this time Wild Maiden-Rhiannon) and leading to the fourth, it has dawned on me. Is it something about this archetype and energy?


It would make sense if it was, for this Path Finder archetype of Spring is where I am in my life right now. This appears to be the energy that awakens my consciousness, where in the winter I seem to be asleep.

Today I met my inner angsty teenager again. I've been feeling all sorts - anger, frustration, fear, hopelessness, defensiveness, disapointed... and ashamed, guilty and unable to talk to Goddess about how I'm feeling. Yesterday I realised that shame and guilt arose from the fact that I recognised a very stroppy, angsty teenager rising inside. Who would want to admit that they were behaving like a angry brat? So instead I was hard done by and mistreated... Well I maintain, that things have not be dealt with well, and that I am genuinely frustrated and cross. But my response to the situation was not as a dignified adult, standing up for herself but getting on with what needed to be done. No instead I have sulked, moaned, and cried!

I haven't got my own way. I've been told off unfairly. I have to do something I don't want to do. And the teenage me is causing a whirlwind about her to make that all very clear to everyone! What am I gaining? Pity? Understanding? Allies? Support? Actually, I feel quite the fool now. I feel quite immature and weak, unable to rise to the challenge. It's quite embarrasing really.

And that's ok! Amidst the stung pride, I can actually grin - and finally I see Goddess grinning back, mischieviously! I see Your game! This was all a part of the plan, a part of my journey and development. The typical rite of passage where the young girl stamps her feet and shouts 'I'm a grown up!' only to be thrust into the adult world and find herself desperate to run back to mother's arms and nestle beside her again. Have I met the wisewoman-initiatrix? Have I gotton lost in the woods, bitten the apple and fallen intoxicated? What will I find when I awaken?

Around the Wheel Again and the Path Finder - Goddess of Fire, rises up again to offer me courage, strength, excitement and the road ahead.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Glastonbury: What I've learned so far



The Tor at Sunset 20/12/16 Photo by myself

When I decided to move here – very suddenly – I had a burning longing in my solar plexus. I know that when this inner flame ignites, I am on the right path. I felt this burning when I considered moving earlier in the year, but allowed my fear to extinguish it.
I knew I was stepping upon the barge and sailing across the lake to Avalon, to train as a Priestess here. I also knew it would not be perfect and I’d come across difficulties.
Although I did anticipate what I would find difficult here, I didn’t fully expect the whirlwind of feelings I have had in these last 3 months. Being here has dug up many latent insecurities, resentments, complexes and fears. Over the last year during my First Spiral I explored some of these but moving here has intensified that.

First I became angry at the system here. I became angry because I could see it flaws (which I had been aware of before, but saw much more clearly now). I disliked that I saw these flaws in something that had given me so much hope and joy before.
I confirmed things that I did not necessarily agree with spiritually, which made me frustrated as I seemed to have wanted to agree with everything and fully fit in.
I met others who disagreed, criticised and even disapproved of the Goddess community here – which made me defensive; however, because of the above it made me defend myself as apart from it, rather than defend it.

I faced fear of not being good enough, of not doing my job perfectly and failing.
I faced a fear of being associated with something imperfect and subject to criticism; I don’t like to be disliked and criticised.
I faced a need to rebel, to be angry and even arrogant in my defiance.
I faced wanted to run away – unable to make things fit my way, and unwilling to try to overcome my resistances and find a way that worked for me. I missed home terribly.

An unfortunate part of my Capricorn nature is I am stubborn. I decided I didn’t like it, I wanted to leave, I wouldn’t like it and that was that! I didn’t want to try to like it or to be happy, or to even explore what was really going on with me. Which is why I needed to go home for a bit, do nothing but breathe Welsh mountain air, crochet, make love and watch movies.


*

I went home for the Yuletide period, taking a breather from things. My heart beat for the mountains, my families, the mists, the rain… I remembered why I moved and realised it was not a mistake, even if it isn’t the perfect answer.

I need to learn that I can’t have, and don’t need to have, the perfect life set up right now. I have wanted the ideal job, partner, house and lifestyle and have been working towards that, being constantly dissatisfied that it isn’t perfect yet.

Just before I left for home I picked up a book on the Goddess Hathor. Whilst reading it I was touched by the beautiful feeling of familiarity, of self, of home. It reminded me that I can find home within myself, and for me, part of that is Egypt within me… I remembered that Egypt is my true Love in life (I love you too Dan!) and I hold that within me. It then cheered me further to find a group of other individuals in Glastonbury who want to form an Egyptian Spirituality group in town! So my inner home, can creep out into the physical too!

Nevertheless, I have decided to move in with my partner this summer, whilst keeping my job in Glastonbury. This I hope will bring me into balance, and have enough of what I want mixed with the imperfection of life.

My need to gain approval from others still reigns strong; last night I began to fear this failure but as I felt the downward spiral of exhausted disappointment, I grabbed hold of it and channelled it into productivity. My need for approval is manifesting a drive to do well at my job – which can’t be a bad thing if I can balance it with self-esteem and not rely on positive affirmations from others.

I also need to learn that I do not have to agree with everything that the people around me believe (that should be obvious…); I am a part of something that never intended to be static and dogmatic, I am just interpreting it that way.

Something I affirmed over the summer was that Goddess was calling me to surrender to Her plan. And I did. Until I got here, then I panicked and wanted out. Ahead of me this 2017 I have plans to visit Egypt (at last!!), I continue my Rhiannon training, I move in with Daniel, I am planning for my future PhD and who knows what else will unfold.

It may be clear that my inner Goddess radio has often been muted during this time. I haven’t been connecting much or asking Her for help. This I’ve been very inside my head and locked in the mundane world. If I look towards my Rhiannon training I will see that I in fact need to be in my body and in the spiritual world more. Balance is everything.



 Goddess Hall Winter Solstice Altar 2016, Photo by myself

It’s worth saying after all that, for you as well as for me, that this is actually a remarkable place. I’ve met some wonderful people, seen stunning views, received much kindness and had some brilliant experiences. It’s a place I don’t intend to settle in for now, but I definitely intend to allow myself to enjoy living here for the next 7 months, and working here for longer.


For now this is where I am it.